At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
my retirement plan is braless
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber