At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
✌️
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken