At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!