Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.