Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.

*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

“you look easy to draw”

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

u spoke cat all this time??????

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.