[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok