*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I hope they boil the right one.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Smells like a challenge to me
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If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”![]()
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.