At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.