At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
shit just got real
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.