At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo