At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*