Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

i was dropped as an adult

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out