At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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These work great until they don’t.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.