At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I finally found a reason to live again.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.