Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut