Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome