At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]