At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Planet of the Apps.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Storm Tropical Storm
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut