At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
You Might Also Like
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Florida man
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
me refusing to leave twitter
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.