At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.