At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

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Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.


Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.


*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.


My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….


Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?


Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming


me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]


[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”


I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.