@LindaInDisguise
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
@Skoogeth
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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@LindaInDisguise
@MoistPork
Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
@SteveKoehler22
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
@KylePlantEmoji
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
@preawsaurus
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
@KKAlThani
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.
@3sunzzz
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
@NintenDom
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
@linkindrinkin
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
@aotakeo
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude