@Skoogeth

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

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@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

@Cheetoe4

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

@ibid78

Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?

@rickkondell

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@captainkalvis

me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

@PhuckinCody

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

@jackiembouvier

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.