At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.


Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.


My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”


Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?


it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.


Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.


*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?


Parenting is hard.


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude