@GuyBreakup
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
@Skoogeth
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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@GuyBreakup
@TheBoydP
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
@mydmac
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
@Cheetoe4
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
@ibid78
Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?
@rickkondell
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
@captainkalvis
me: what are they in for
zookeeper: this isn’t a prison
me: so they can leave
zookeeper: well no
me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody
zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.
penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]
@PhuckinCody
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
@jackiembouvier
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.