Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

welp

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee