Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Sir!!

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.