[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Huge, if true.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Great Canadian literature.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.