At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”