Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

I put the p in pants.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.