Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair