[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.