At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
This could be us… but you playing
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”