At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
it was a valiant fight
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything