At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
So glad we cleared that up
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”