At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”