At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
I’m giving up ice.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
