[at the general store]
me: one general please
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee