at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
happy friday
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes