Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!