Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…