Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.