[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.