At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Genius idea!!
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”