At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
some cats are just doing for fun!
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.