At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick