At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
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If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.