At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?