At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.