At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
💀💀💀💀
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My neck, my back, my…
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea