Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

waiting for halloween be like:

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I did not eat the cake…

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.