Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

I get distracted pretty eas

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times