At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Icarus loved hot wings.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*