[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”