I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
this makes me so uncomfortable
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
she would like to bark at the manager, please.