[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]