[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
