[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals