[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter