[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time


me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope


My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I donโ€™t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone


Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes


Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”


Me: *Closes Twitter*

My brain: now what?

Me: *Opens Twitter again*


As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying


*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
*sips wine*
This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.