[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
i wonder why they stopped looking
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts