[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?