Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

yea so i messed up lol

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.