(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?