(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi