Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing