(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”