[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
How dude HOW?!
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: