Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really