Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Skills

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.