[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Creepy-crawlies
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.