Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

there’s probably a fee though

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*