Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Jail

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.