Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

ㅤ

🤣🤣💀

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.