[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING