[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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decorating my apartment
murder on the timeline
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Go hard or stay average
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
