Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legend 🤣🤣

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

pls suprot