Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you