Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.