[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows