[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.